The Lord of the Rings The Musical
by banana flavoured dragon
Summary: A FOTR parody, containing snappy musical numbers... and elven chorus lines.


Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, etc. or any of the rights to the original songs in this story. Just so's you know, the one in these scenes is meant to be 'Belle' from Beauty and the Beast.

If this story sounds a bit strange, it's because it was originally written in script form and changed to story so it could be put up on the site.

If you've already read this first musical, then the second part is being put up as well, so you can go straight on to that. If not, you're going to have to wait while I put the Fellowship up again. Sorry.

The Lord of the Rings

The Fellowship of the Ring

Prologue: One Ring to Rule Them All 

(In Which We Hear A Rather Attractive Voice Over)

The Middle Earth map lay spread out over a table. Above it, a disembodied voice is chanting a strange mantra... allow me to introduce that well known invisible rapper, DJ. V.O.

"OK, listen up all you species! All you furry footed dudes and you servants of evil. We're gonna do this in style. Rapping style!"

Que the disembodied backing band....

"Let me tell you a little story, 'bout a place called Middle Earth

And the events that took place, long before your birth.

See, there was this cat called Sauron. He was a real mean dude

He planned to rule the Universe, no matter what we thought- how rude!

Well, he'd done his work experience in a little jewellery shop

So he made a lot of rings and almost caught us on the hop.

He gave nine rings to a bunch of blokes he'd met at some local boozers

They said, "ooh, ta very much", not knowing they were doomed-losers!

Then there were seven for those dwarf guys who took them for a laugh.

They thought the workmanship was pathetic and went home for a bath.

Then he made three for the elves, who hated them, with reason

Sauron had forgotten, to elves, rings were so last season.

So the elves got a little suspicious and started snooping round

To find he'd created another ring which he kept underground

They were outraged at his lack of taste and the other thing they saw

He was gonna use this ring to rule the Earth, so they went and started a war.

They got these guys, Elendil and Isildur and a couple of armies too

And went to tell Sauron, if he didn't stop, they'd sue

Well, Sauron told them where to stick it so they had a bit of a punch up

And then something very sad happened- Elendil got killed, worse luck.

This made Isildur really psed off (Well, Elendil was his old man)

So he took his broken sword and cut of Sauron's hand

At that Sauron vanished and they had a big party

But Isildur had nicked the One Ring and went home going "Hee-hee-hee"

But a group of nasty orcs were waiting for his sake

They stuck him full of arrows and threw him in a lake

So that was the end of Isildur and the ring sank in the mud

Until Gollum found it and called it something he loved

Then someone else nicked it and took it home with him

A hobbit called Bilbo Baggins, who kept it in a tin

And this is where our story finds us our story of three parts

So we'll travel to a place called the Shire 'cos that's where our story starts."

The great DJ collapsed from the strain, and called feebly for water from his disembodied mates.

Scene 2: The Shire 

(In Which The First Of Our Heroes Appear)

In a busy market town, called Hobbiton, in the Shire, hobbits were going about there daily business, birds were singing (Not over here, obviously, they'd been scared off by our camera crew, but they were somewhere). Hobbits were wrangling over prices, chasing run away vegetables and generally getting on with their existence. But who should come wandering into the midst of all this with a dreamy expression on his face, but Frodo Baggins, our hero, humming vaguely to himself a little tune, which grows to become a song, which grows to become our first musical number...

"#Little Shire, it's a quiet country

Every day like the one before

Little Shire, full of little hobbits

Waking up to say:" warbled Frodo

Caught up in the moment , the other hobbits cried "Bonjour! Bonjour? What is this, France or something? Shut up!"

"#There goes the Gaffer with his barrow like always.

The same old gardening jobs to do

Every morning just the same

Since the morning that I came

To this poor provincial Shire-#" continued Frodo, only to be interrupted by the Gaffer-

"Arr, good morning Mr. Frodo." He called in his rustic accent. Most hobbits speak like that. It's something in the water.

"Morning, Gaffer," replied Frodo, who didn't , possibly because he drank bottled water.

Meanwhile, the other hobbits had started the second verse

"# Look, there he goes, that boy is strange, no question,

Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?

Never part of any crowd

'Cause his head's up on some cloud

No denying he's a funny guy, that Frodo.#" they chorused. The sounds of the market place gradually infiltrated the song, while they thought up more ways to insult Frodo.

"Hey, you!" called one hobbit.

"What?"

"How're the brats?" We never find out how they were, since another pair of hobbits are shouting over the reply.

"Oi, you!"

"What now?"

"How's the wife?"

"I need six eggs, but they're so expensive," said one hobbit, who was slightly lost in the song.

"Wait 'till they hatch, then they'll be going cheep," was the advice.

Suddenly, Frodo jumped on a cart and sang **"**#There must be more than this rustic life!#"

A shopkeeper chose this moment to stick his head out of his shop window and shout **"**Ah, Frodo! What about your uncle's party tonight? I..." But Frodo had wandered off, inspiring the other hobbits to start the second verse.

"#Look, there he goes, that boy is so peculiar,

I blame that uncle of his.

He dreams of adventures far away

While dozing in the hay

A puzzle to the rest of us is Frodo.#" they sang.

Then, a horse and cart made its way into the scene. On the cart was Gandalf the Grey, wizard, hobbit annoyer and dodgy firework merchant, prompting Frodo to burst into song again.

"#Oh, isn't this amazing?

Gandalf's here on time for once you see.

He's been on quests before

But he still won't tell me everything he's seen.#", he went.

Much to his surprise, Gandalf found himself joining in:

"#Right from the moment when I met him, saw him

I said, he's a prat, but he'll do

Here in town there's only him

Who's more than a little dim

So I'm making plans to send him on a quest.#" he sang.

The other hobbits were not to be outdone.

"#Look, there he goes, that boy who's strange but special

A most peculiar bloke indeed.

It's a pity and a sin

Maybe somewhere he'll fit in

But he really is a funny guy

A hero, but a funny guy

That Frodo!#" they sang, dancing and gesturing in perfect choreographed unison. The instant the music stopped, they went back to normal.

Frodo wandered over to Gandalf, who was sitting, looking slightly bemused. _"_Hello. You're on time for once."

Gandalf glowered at him. **"**Wizards are always on time. Show some respect, or I'll shrink you and give you horrible curly hair..."Then he realised what he was speaking to. "Oh, forget it."

"Gandalf?" asked Frodo, nonchalantly exploring the contents of an ear.

"What?"

"Got any quests that need doing?"

"Nope," replied the wizard, "I'm simply here to go to a party, get completely wasted, embarrass myself on the karaoke and wake up the next morning with a splitting head ache and no idea what I'm doing in the gutter, clutching a policeman's helmet."

Frodo however, was not impressed by this catalogue of doings, and wandered off, looking disappointed.

Gandalf sniggered behind his beard, picked up the reins and the cart set off again, pausing only for him to set fire to a nearby bush, because he didn't like the shape. You can do that sort of thing, when you're a wizard.

Scene 3: Very Old Friends

(In Which The First Stirrings Of Wrong Are Evident)

Outside a house in a hill, with a small green door. Gandalf approached and knocked on the door with his staff. "Oi! Shop!" he called.

From inside came another voice called, a voice he had travelled many miles to hear: "If that's the boy with the pizzas, go round the back. Tradesman's entrance," it shouted.

"Who are you calling a tradesman? Show some respect, or I'll shrink you and-"but the threat was never completed, as Bilbo realised there could be only one person who never bothered to change his threats and used the same one, day in, day out. The old hobbit flung the door open with a cry of:

"Gandalf, you stupid old codger!"

"Bilbo, you pint-sized prat! You know, you haven't changed a bit."

"Neither have you. You're as old and ugly now as you were when I first met you.

Except your beard's longer."

"I know. Disgusting, isn't it?" said the wizard with pride.

Social niceties having been dispensed with, they turned to business. **"**Right. Have you got the fireworks?" asked Bilbo.

"Yes. And to you- £20."

"£20? For a box of damp squibs? I wouldn't give you tuppence! But since it's you,

I'll give you £8 for your trouble," protested the hobbit.

"£8? Hardly worth me being here, is it, squire? These are quality, these are. £15,

and that's my final offer."

"£10."

"£14."

"£11."

"£11.50."

"Done," said Bilbo.

"You certainly have been," agreed the wizard.

"Fancy a cup of tea?" asked Bilbo, after having wrangled Gandalf out of a days earnings, remembering the duties of a host.

"No, I fancy a beautiful elf maiden in Lothlorien, but I don't think much for my

chances. Got any whisky?"

"You think I'm wasting whisky on you?"

"Yes."

"All right then."Bilbo disappeared inside and brought out a table, bottle and chairs. Well, one at a time, anyway)

"Still going ahead with the plan?" asked Gandalf. Ooo, this sounds interesting.

"Yep."

"I still think it would be a good idea if you faked your own death," mused the wizard.

"No, how many times do I have to say this? No death faking!"

"But we could claim on insurance. Go on...please?"

"No."

"Fine..." Gandalf sulked for a moment, then asked "Who gets the house?"

"Oh, Frodo. Why?"

"I was just thinking... if we started a fire and made it look like an accident..." said Gandalf, not one to let an idea go.

"No!"

"And everything in the house?"

"Frodo's too. And if you're suggesting I should be crushed by a falling sofa- no," Bilbo added.

"Actually, I was thinking about that ring of yours."

"I don't see how I can fake my death with a ring," said Bilbo, confused.

"Are you going to leave that to Frodo?" asked Gandalf.

"Yeah, why not? It's not worth anything. Why?"

"Oh, nothing," said Gandalf, international wizard of mystery. "So, what are you going to do?"

"Oh, just vanish in mysterious circumstances. No-one will notice. I think I'll go to

the mountains. The Himalayas are particularly high at this time of year, I hear," replied the hobbit.

"It would be more explainable if there was a woman involved. I know this girl-"

"Oh, for the last time-!" cried Bilbo, making threatening gestures with the whisky bottle.

Later. Night had fallen. Bilbo and Gandalf were smoking pipes and having a competition of blowing smoke rings. Gandalf blew one shaped like a ship, Bilbo a kind of circular blob. Gandalf blew a castle.Bilbo blew a non-descript doughnut shape. It was a close run thing.

"Suppose we'd better go down and start the party," said Bilbo, eventually.

"Oh, all right. Are you ready to get totally smashed?" asked Gandalf.

Bilbo grinned. "I'm always ready to do that, old friend. Let's make this a night to remember!"

Sorry it's changed so much.


End file.
